xnervexgasx

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 15:40:12 GMT

"Stop trying to be cool about it, retard.
You seriously are an attention whore and it pisses me off. And your hair looks bad. And lose some weight, dummy. WHAT THE FUCK!"

I never understood what goes through peoples' minds. I never really understood what makes them so fake. I don't get why people have to pretend to be something that they're not.

I'm proud of myself, because no matter how heartless she was being to me, not once did I make fun of her. I said that she was a pathetic person for doing this, of course, but I didn't get stupid like she did.

I just don't get it. She pretended to be my friend for the ENTIRE time that I was here. She even went out of her way to talk to me. Came over and started sitting next to me. Pretended like she was sad that I was moving. and now, she tells me that my hair is ugly and that I'm fat? wtf? Does that even make sense?

I was soooo close to being like, "I might be chubby, but at least I don't parade around, talking about my eating disorder." but NOOOOO.

It's impossible for me to be mean to her.
because I actually thought that we were friends.
I actually cared about her.
Strike that, I still do.
and I want to know why the hell she would be so fake.
and pretend to be something that she's not.

I was in hysterics when they kept going on.
I don't see why the world has to be so mean.
Why people make fun of eachother so much.
Why no one can just be truthful.

How did she possibly benefit from doing this to me?
She could have just not talked to me.
She could have just broken contact.
But no.
She has to make fun of me and say that she never liked me?

I guess it just shows that I'm not as immature as I thought.
and that some people have a lot of growing up to do.

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 01:59:40 GMT

I don't know why I randomly decided to go back to this journal.
I even had to change the password, because I couldn't even remember this one's password.
but I feel better, typing in this one.
I have no clue why.
I'm so nostalgic right now. I started going through all of my posts in this one and lyricsxlies.
It was pretty depressing, to say the least.
Reading through these made me realize that I complain too much.
I need to be happy more than I am.
Now, I miss what it used to be like a year ago.
I miss staying up late and talking to everyone.
Fallon is busy with Drama.
Nora no longer has aim.
and I miss them both terribly.
Hell, I even miss Mel.
I just wish that I could go back in time and erase everything that I did wrong.
I was to go back to the nights where I talked to everyone for hours.

I hate growing up.
and I hate losing touch.

Do you ever wonder if someone's okay,
and wonder if they think the same about you?

I don't neccassarily want to talk to Melissa again.
I just want to message her and ask her if she's been again,
and if I made the right decision to break all contact.
It's been over half a year now since we've talked.
But there's no way to contact her,
without being insanely odd/creepy/annoying/blah/blah/blah.
and I don't think anything good would come out of it.
I just wonder about what's happened to her.

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 06:06:03 GMT

I think I'm a little over protective with my work:[ haha. I mean, I say people can take it with no credit, as long as they don't say it's their own.

But Mikey took it and chopped it in two, so that the top two picture were in one picture and the bottom one was in another, and that made me aggitated. Like, he didn't crop anything out, or take me out of the photo, or change the coloring, or anything like that! He just simply cut it in half, and yet I still got a little mad that he did that to mine and Mary's work without permission? but I don't see WHY he should need permission to simply split the photos up!! But yet the fact that he didn't credit me or mary(who does mind not being credited) and he also messed with the photo got me worked up, but I mean, it really shouldn't matter. It's partly his too.

But also, he didn't say who the other model was or anything.

Grrr. Like I said, I'm way too overprotective of my work.

I think it's more because of the fact that the pictures told a story. They had a meaning. They made a statement. But they only do that together. Apart, they don't do a goddamn thing!

Boy and girl fall in love, desperate to be together, but can't show their true selves, always hiding behind a mask- never letting their barriers go. In the end, not they themselves are dead, but their hopes and dreams and being.

The meaning means a lot to me and it's very personal, and so I think that's the only reason I got mad at all:/ The fact that he took away the meaning.

Wed, 16 May 2007 02:41:17 GMT

i wish yol;u wokiukldv diuyrree slometkmes.

ik waqwnmt tllo llolse mt virgfhjinigbhty breally badly

Yeah, those are two of my secrets, but I typed them with my feet.

I really need to practice typing with my feet:[ haha

Mon, 14 May 2007 00:00:28 GMT

I hadn't eaten anything all day and it was 8 so my mom got me burger king.

I was eating happily away at my french fries but then I looked down at myself, and I couldn't eat another bite.

I hate feeling like being skinny is the only important thiiiing:/

Sat, 12 May 2007 01:34:42 GMT

I need to diet.
Stop eating.
Something- anything.
I hate feeling like the ugliest person in the face of this planet.
Nora, Fallon, Megan, Caitlin, and Mary are all so fucking gorgeous.
I'm so fucking jealous.
Way prettier than I am right now.
Maybe, just maybe I would be pretty if I lost weight.
Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not hideous by design.
I would honestly be nice to look out if I wasn't so grotesquely fat.
I hate feeling guilty every time I eat anything,
but fuck do I want to be skinny.

I don't see how all of them call me pretty.
I mean, I weigh more than ALL of them.
I'm the fattest out of all my friends.
It's no wonder I've only had two boyfriends.
Fuck.

I think Caitlin and Jacob are the only friends at home that I feel I can still trust.
It's odd.
Megan is way more open about her feelings.
Caitlin never opens up, and I never open up to her,
but I feel so much closer to her than anyone at my school.
I think it's because we've been through more together,
and she's the only girl in my clique that invites me along.
I honestly feel like her and Jacob are the only people who would give a shit if I moved away from Barrow.

Mon, 07 May 2007 05:18:13 GMT

honestly, I just don't know who I am anymore, and I don't know who my friends really are anymore.

God, my rib is deforming even worse, and sometimes, it hurts so bad that I can't even breath. I know I'm probably overreacting, but I'm honestly afraid that this will kill me.:[

Sat, 21 Apr 2007 14:19:56 GMT

I hadn't listened to oldschool MCR in a few months and so I decided that I'd give my cd another go around. I was actually a little sad as to what I found. The songs used to touch me with just the first chord. I'd be wrapped in the lyrics and feel a sense of security. When I listened to it this time, I didn't feel a connection. I didn't even like some of the songs! I didn't feel connected to the lyrics. I felt like I didn't even know what he was singing about.

It's so odd, because I don't think MCR is one of my favorite bands. I mean, they're always going to be close to me, concidering they're music helped shape me practically, but it's just not the same. The only songs that interest me are Thanks for the venom and it's not a fashion statement, it's a death wish and I never told you what I do for a living. It makes me sad to think that they were the reason I started LJ and they were the reason I got into music and they were the reason I got into rock and they were my idols and they were my saviors and I had never heard of a better band, but now... arg... I don't know why this is making me so sad, but I feel like I've lost a part of me, but hardly any of their songs appeal to me:/

Mon, 09 Apr 2007 20:17:03 GMT

I had a dream where I was gorgeous,
and everyone looked up to me,
and everyone wanted to look like me.
I was clever and witty.
I knew everything to say and everything to do.
I was so much more than I am now.

but the weird thing is...
I hadn't changed a bit....

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 01:19:29 GMT

I'm ready to get out of here.
I'm ready to start it over.
I'm ready to live a new life.
And I'm ready to bust a move=]

Idk, but I think things have been going good with Rod? He found out I liked him, I know he thinks I'm gorgeous, he still continues to talk to me, when I saw him at walmart, he smiled REALLY big once he noticed me.

:] I think those are the signs of something good.

Mary has now found out about my suicide attempt, because I finally got the guts to tell her. She was hurt that it took me this long to tell her, but once I explained my fear of expressing my emotions face-to-face, and that I couldn't find the right way to tell her over Myspace, she understood. She said that the next time we're alone, she's going to make me talk to her, no matter how much I resist(which I know I will).

I think it might help me.

But maybe not.

Sun, 18 Mar 2007 18:51:54 GMT

"Hey Hannah how's it going?

Sorry for the wait we apologize.....anyway we actually did find a place to stay so it's all good. But again thanks so much for offering us a place and you never know if in the future we might need the help again = )

So hope to see you at one of the GA shows, please make sure to say hello if you do come the show alright?

Take it easy and thanks again for the support.

Ciaoooo, JULIO. "

=[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 04:19:52 GMT

According to my mind, we're already done,
but according to my heart, we're so deep in love.

About 5 dreams a night.
About 35 dreams a week.
About 150 dreams a month.
About 1,800 dreams a year.
About 18,000 dreams in a decade.
About 180,000 dreams in a century.
About 1,800,000 dreams in a millennium.
Why can't just one be about me?

Lately, I've been a lot happier for the most part. I've been really nostalgic though. I find myself wishing so often that I could go back in time. All of my relationships were so much better back then=[ I could talk to Nora, you, and Fallon all the time and for sooo long! But now it's normally just hi, how are you, bye. Rawr. But at least I haven't completely lost touch.=]
I'm in the middle of writing a Kill Hannah fanfiction.:D Haha, it kind of sucks, but I don't care. I just realized that I never finished that fanfiction that I started.... about Gerard and Ray being stuck in the school! I wrote the last chapters a few months ago but I can't seem to find them now.... GRRR>:[ Yeah, so, this was semi-pointless and I could have posted it in my regular journal, but I like posting in this one better^_^

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 02:24:18 GMT

So... I've got less than a month to find a place to live? This is so fucked up. I'm really pissed at my parents. If they weren't such fuck-ups, then they wouldn't be fucking me up. This isn't something that a 14 yearold should go through. This isn't something that any kid should go through. I'm hardly even a teen. I don't know what I'm going to do. Caitlin is moving, Megan can't take me in, Brittney can't, Mary can't, Jacob oobviously can't. Karen's got friends to live with. Miranda's got friends to live with. All my friends are too young to convince their parents to take in another child. I don't know what I'm going to do. At the least, I could move wherever Karen does but I would hate every second of it because I know that they would have just taken me in because they want to please Karen. Right now, I really really feel like just giving up. Nothing's going to go right. I can feel it. Nothing good is going to happen. I'm so frustrated and depressed and nostalgic and worried and emotional and angry right now that I feel like just falling over and never getting back up.

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 00:08:52 GMT

"They're pulling wings off our backs.
The old dreams no more,
Or only once in a while in the back of their eyes.
And their pianos all are closed and anything makes them so sleepy.
Glow in the dark stars,
All swing up there.
It mustn't be too strong to dazzle these nights dead."

"oh maybe im too much in love
yea maybe im too much in love
but maybe im too much insane"

"they've let us sleep for so long
in their beds made of words
and even their pillows appear
a contradiction"

" watched her leave, i watched my strength go
but this is my own fault, i should have close the vault
to my own mind, i should have stayed in line
cause nothing's a mystery when nothing is mysterious
and nothing could ever leave me now
cause is my own stepping stone, and i won't slip off the edge
cause nothing could ever change me now"

"and look like pink decorations
in our crystal meth tuxedos
oh and how i wanted to dance
so badly"

"Killing time by drawing faces that stare back at me from the margins
In a sea of 8 and a half by elevens
I'm drowning in...
Treading through run on sentences
And sinking into empty text
I'll swallow the salt
And spit a few dry words out"

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 04:34:59 GMT

So, I made it so only your my friend on here, because I felt like this journal wasn't private enough, and so now you're the only friend on it=]

Today has been... weird. Nick and Mary came over.. but I didn't really feel happy. Everything they did and said made me mad. Everything made me irritated. I felt like slapping Nick just because he spilt a drink on me on accident, when normally I would just laugh. I don't know what was wrong with me... I felt like screaming, but my mouth could hardly let me talk. I felt like crying, but my eyes were completely dry. It was all so weird. I hope I start acting normal tomorrow. I don't want my friends to get mad at me, because I know Nick and Mary wont get mad at me, but my other friends would.

I really hate myself lately. I need to talk to someone voice-to-voice, but when I call Nora, I never talk about important things. When I get around my friends, I just laugh and act like my problems don't faze me. I don't know why but it's so hard for me to be serious. I don't think I've ever talked about anything important to any of my at home friends except for Mary. And only Nora and Fallon on the phone. Three people in my whole entire life is kind of sad. I don't know what's wrong. Is it trust issues? idk. I'm just sick of not showing anything. and I'm sick of pretending to be invincible. I know my friends care and I know they'd help me if I was down, but I don't know why I can't tell them when I am down.

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 22:07:24 GMT

Right now, I'm a mess of emotions. I'm sad, happy, mad, mellow, confused, nostalgic, and everything else I can think of.

There's so much I want to talk to you guys about, but my mouth wont form the words and my fingers wont type the letters. I'm embarassed by why I'm mad and I'm too upset about why I'm sad. I wish that all of this could end. I wish that I knew what I wanted. I wish I knew who I was.

I wish I could see when people are lying, I wish I wasn't a loser, I wish my friends liked me.

I wish my hair would stop looking like a mullet=[ hah

In just what I'm doing update:
I might go to Athens to meet one of my online friends and take pictures with her, Charlie Lurid, Mary, and maybe Karen.

That's about it.

Once I get internet, I'll show you guys the Kill Hannah pictures and tell you about it. But right now, I can't get the pictures onto this computer and I don't feel like talking about it.

So, bye.

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 21:29:56 GMT

I'm on my dad's computer right now. It's so awkward. Anyways, we should be getting the internet on Sunday. -_- bleck, too long! Saturday is Kill Hannah! We're getting there super duper duper early, biatch! =]]]]]

Willis has stopped dressing the way he used to=[ He now wears abercrombie and Fitch. I'm the only one who still thinks he's hot. hahah.

Right now, life's been pretty chill. Nick, Mary, and Paco came over and Nick got naked. hahahhahaha.

OMG! OH! I have these two friends Jacob and Caitlin and they pissed me the hell off!!!! Jacob bought a FFTL jacket and guess how many songs he knows!!! That's right! NONE!!! They're going to the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus concert and guess how many songs they know!! ONE! Face Down is the ONLY song they know! WTF?! I hate people like that! It pisses me off! It was so hard for me not to yell at them.

Sat, 13 Jan 2007 08:53:34 GMT

-_- You know how I said that I was finally happy with my face? Now, I'm worried about my breast. I have NEVER been upset about them. I really thought they were fine. Not to big-not too small, but now everyone agreed that my boobs are the worst part about me. WTF? why would you even try to decide what my worst feature is?! So that I can worry about that 24/7? Fuck them.

The only good thing about today is that I got Sille's package:D I LOVE IT.=]

Wed, 10 Jan 2007 01:09:14 GMT

so, I'm finally content with my face. I finally think that my face is actually okay. I don't know how this revolation came upon me, but I'm finally happy with my face and my hair and evraythang except my body.

But yet something is keeping me sad. I don't really know what it is, and that ticks me off. I always know myself inside and out. So what's fucking wrong?! idk.

In other news-
I have a new found love for Lost Profits and 30 seconds to Mars.

=]

This post is pointless, sorry.

Sun, 07 Jan 2007 20:44:47 GMT

school starts tomorrow-_- I'm not looking forward to everyone asking me "What did you get for Christmas?" Because I don't want to have to explain.

Sat, 06 Jan 2007 06:05:22 GMT

I'm not happy right now... but I'm not sad. I'm just... blah. I'm afraid that if I do begin to feel, then I'll break down. And so I'm blocking out everything.

I'm so worried. And so anxious. And so everything.=/

My mom wont stop making me feel like shit.

Yet again, she blaimed me that she wont have a place to stay soon. I'm sorry that she wont get child support, but I'm not sorry that I'm moving out. She's making it so unbearable that I am constantly wanting to cry, or sometimes, even die because of her. I don't want her to live on the streets, but if I stayed with her, I'd be in hell every single day until I'm 18. I feel like she only wants me to stay so that she can have money. She never says "I don't want you to go because I'll miss you" she says "You're moving out and so I'm going to be put on the streets!" I hate living like this.

I'm so tired of everything.

I can't trust my mom and I can't trust my dad, and the only real friends that I feel I have live half way across the country.=/ I'm so jealous of all the people who get to see your guys all the time, not even realizing how lucky they are to just be in you guys' presence. There's these three girls who would do anything for me and I would do anything for, but they live SO far away, so far that I may not be able to meet them. I have a boy who is fantastic-close to perfect, but lives on the other side of the country.

hsahdajkhdjkashdajkdhjkasl.

On another note:
The boy previously talked about was talking to me a few days ago when I was sad, and when I had to go, he gave me his number and told me I could call him anytime I needed him and he'd talk to me no matter what he was doing. I cried from happiness, because I've never had a boy care so much about me before. Nothing's ever going to become of it, but it's still nice to know he cares.

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 03:05:31 GMT

Someone please teach me my lesson=[ I get my hopes up and then I get let down. And then I think "Maybe it will still turn out like I want it to" and then, I get let down again. Then, I let my hopes go back up and then, I get crushed.

Erg. I hate boys.

I wish I was asexual.

Shoot me, shoot me now please.

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 04:10:51 GMT

The name's Hannah. Only Megan may call me Hannah Montana. I'm single. Me and my family learn Nsync dances. I use smiley faces a lot and I say "lol" and such a lot, but I don't use it when I'm sad. I hate when people don't tell me how they're feeling. If you're mad at me, then tell me. I dye my hair a good bit, and I'm trying to get as many colors as I can put in without getting in trouble with my school. Haha. I'm fake, in the fact that I can't stand going out into the world with out having make-up on. I'm easily hurt and everyone seems to be an expert at it. I've syatyed to think that life would be better if I just didn't get close to anyone. If I get hyper, I do crazy things. I don't like myself, and so I never believe people when they say they like me. I'll basically do anything you ask me to. I'm extremely hard to understand, and I don't open up easily. Only one person knows everything. I love having serious conversations and debates. I would die if I had to be silly all the time. Although, I do love being silly.:F I lopve my friend to death, and I don't know what i would do without them. Same goes for my online friend but doubled=] If you give me a teddy bear, I will cry from happiness. I would much rather get a stuffed animal than an expensive gift. A teddy would make me happy, but a hand-made card would make me exasperated! I don't hate very easily, and so don't be afraid to talk to me. I'll probably love you. I would love to be famous someday, but I'll settle for normal. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, but I know I want it to be something in the arts. Photographer, hair stylist, and graphic designer all seem great to me. I want to move to the city to go to the college, and I want to stay there. I'm for gay marriage. If you think otherwise, please don't add me/remove me from your friends list. I hate guys who are violent towards anyone. I hate people who are constantly immature. Farting noises are not funny. I talk to my stuffed animals sometimes. Mainly Davey, the cat. He's my favorite, but make sure not to tell the others that;]. I hold my favorite bands close to my heart. They have helped form me and make me who I am.
These bands are Kill Hannah, Good Charlotte, My Chemical Romance, and From First To Last. Make fun of them, and you will break my heart. I don't much like listening to new bands. So, unless you think I'll really like them, don't give me a link to a band, please. I love StarBucks coffee & candy. If you want to impress me, buy me a StarBucks coffe, skittles, and a small teddy bear. That's the way to my heart. I'd love you forever<3. If you have a picture of just your stomach as your default, don't add me. If you have a picture of your car as a default, don't add me. If your headline is "I love [insert name here]", then don't add me. Sorry to say, but if you do, I'll laugh at you.=] Don't be afraid of me. If you want to ask me anything, then ask. I don't get offended easily. If you want to take pictures with me or for me to take your pictures, then ask. I'll always say yes=]. If you want me to dye your hair/do your make-up for an occasion, then ask. (Yes, people have actually asked me to do it for them:)) I'll basically do anything for anyone. If you'd like to talk to me, my AIM is dinoninja x3 . (If you steal dinoninja in anyway, I swear I'll kick your ass.) IM me anytime. I don't bite:D My best friends consist of: Brittney, Megan, Caitlin, Holly, Melissa, Sille, Nora, Fallon, Hannah(the other one), Karen, Miranda, Mary, and the football gang(You people know who you are:P). I will ask you weird questions, don't get freaked out if I do. Even if I don't know you, I may ask you to hang outXD Just because I love to talk to people. If you want to make me happy, then take pictures with me:D Anyone who will do photoshoots with me is amazing. Anyways, me and my sister love to hang out at Walmart. We have stalkers there:D. Me and my other sister like to stalk Mat Devine.. and have him stare at us^_^ *fangirls*

Sun, 08 Oct 2006 16:57:12 GMT

Sun, 08 Oct 2006 04:01:23 GMT

I have realized that I'm afraid of medicine.. and water. Sometimes, when I drink water, I can taste the medicine. I can taste the metalic taste and I can feel the presence of the dramatic effects that linguer afterwards. I can't drink water out of cups anymore without tasting and feeling it. I can't do it. When I see medicine, I freak out. The taste of medicine will send me over the edge. Remembering. Remembering is what kills me. That night, I wanted to die, and I never want to go back to that. I never want to be that low again. I don't want to remember that I was that low at one point. But how can I if the most essential thing to my body reminds me of it in full detail?

I decided to actually tell one of my friends what my "food poisoning" actually was. She's my best at home friend and so I thought she'd understand. I thought she'd help me. But no. She tells me that I've sinned and that I'm a horrible person.

Fuck that.